Oh gawd!! any moment longer i'm gonna go deaf!! my brother's shooting his stupid guns at some bad ass in some game... i don't know why he insist on blaring his speakers when he can blare his heads off with his earphones.
I've put on my headphones, hoping that it would block out the noise.... unfortunately, my ears are picking them up... i can't seem to load the video clips from Yahoo launch all day!! And my windows media player is screwed....
Chatting with my frens but they don't seem to reply.
Sigh.... i think i've got a lot of frens but i don't hear from them what's another night all alone? when i'm spending everyday on my own...
Doctors and psychologists agree: Being touchy-feely is good for your health
Humans are social animals. We instinctually form communities and relationships; we need social support networks and healthy, loving families. We are hard-wired to spend our lives surrounded by and interacting with other humans, and along with this need for community comes another basic need: to touch others and to be touched. We not only enjoy contact with other humans, we need it for our physical and emotional health.
That's really all i want out of life, is to be understood. I want someone to relate to and to be able to share my secrets. I want to hold deep conversations for hours about something mundane about anything and everything. I want to see through each other's eyes with crystal clearity and perfect understanding of one another and the world around us...
But then again, i don't always get what i want... Understood is something i'm never
"Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.--'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.'--Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
Came back from the camp with a bad bad bug killing my throat. My nose is running like no one's business.
I haven't been feeling well eversince Monday night but i thought it was just fatigue. Monday night, i was suffering in silence while my bunk mates were having their sleep. It was 2am when i went off to my bunk. The rest had gotten in earlier. I was shivering cold and my nose was blocked and my throat hurt. I breathed through my mouth. For once, i was haunted by the thought of forgetting to breathe while i doze off asleep. As I am falling asleep my breath feels like it is literally sucked out of me. I would wake up in terror because I wasn't breathing, and it wasn't like something was obstructing my air passages it felt as though my brain forgot to tell my lungs to breath.
Maybe i was getting too paranoid.
The bug has gotten control of most territorial state of my body. I lost my voice. My eyes are puffy and sore.
It's easy to feel heartbroken right now. But i guess it happens to everyone at some point. I'm picking up the pieces, put them back in place and hoping that it will heal in time.
I won't string myself out over it, there was nothing i could do, and none of it's my fault.
I'm trying to move past all of that.
Certain that i'll find someone worthy of my love someday.
I'm somewhere in between overjoyous and heartbroken
Won't be blogging much.
Feeling rather melancholic.
I feel dumb.
... at myself...
The last time i posted an entry, i thought...
... but what i thought, turned itself against me.
Roughly 8 months was wasted.
I feel like a fool.
I know, its just a stupid crush. It was my stupidest.
I didnt talk much about him nowadays cos we're drifting apart. He and his Os. No calls. Hardly see him in skool. At times he would walk pass my duty area and give me a smile.
I was silent about him. My frens, thought i was kind of over him. But i wasnt. They asked me once, wassup with me and him. I just shrugged it off. Especially Skin & Wahidah, each time we talked, the first question they ask would be "so how's *****?" Geez....
The thing that made me mad was, me and Reb were once so close. We made phonecalls, and we talked about nothing and everything that revolve around him. We joked, we laughed. She told me she had a crush on him last year. She told me she slipped a letter into his bag, and got into trouble with his mother and their form teacher. We looked back at wat she did and we laughed. She was a fun company.
But now, i never thought it would turn out this way.
She ignores me now.
She got her grasp on him.
Now I'm even more heartbroken. And on top of it all i feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and simply depressed. Just when you think you know someone and give your heart away. Just when you think you know someone you could trust, but your trust turn its back on you. I never saw it coming. Stupid me.
Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it
Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength
Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage
Just came back from obs
I'm so much tanner than before and i have 1001 bruises all over.
I made loads of new frens ...
Yesterday was our expedition day and we had sea expedition. . We kayak the whole of ubin in the rainstorm and it was cold. Loads of ppl get into the water a couple of time to pee. I managed to hold on my urge cos i couldnt bare the thought of polluting the sea with my pee. Besides, it was tough to get into the kayak once we're open n the water.
We took a break at FrogIsland. and went to conny island for our stayover. The stay at conny island was so yucky. We had to change among the bushes and there were so many bugs. We had to dig a hole to do our business. I was wet. I didnt bring a change of undergarment and i was freezing cold.
Dinner was bad. The boys were angry at the girls for coming late. The girls were pissed off at the boys for being mad at them. I couldnt sleep that night. It drizzled throughout the night. Weiqiang lent me his jacket. But later, we had a little silent argument cos he wanted a space to sleep and i was sprawling all over. The next morning, i found a whole map of sandbites on my legs, arms and neck.
We had our fair share of arguments. Once, we came in late for PT and all of us were pissed. We disagree on so much and it feels like the whole group gets better off individually. The nights in the bunks was a little freaky. There's a whole load of lizards clicking their tongues and hanging on the ceiling. I'm scared of lizards and any other reptiles and i kept on thinking wat if they fall onto my bunk. I took the top bunk and there was a huge window beside. It was on my right and i happened to sleep on my right. The first few nights was hell cause i was being paranoid on seeing ghost hanging out on my window. Our bunk house were on top of the hill and we could see everything. The forests, the sea, conny island and mainland singapore.
The night before the expedition, a couple of us had a deep talk. I know loads of secrets which i never thought i would know. We slept at . The next morning, most of us were worn-out.
I thought i could never be happier if i were to go home.
But now that i'm home, i miss everything! I miss my instructor, team mates, bunks, and all the fun and laughter that we shared during the course. I'm obs-sick. I wanna go back. I really really miss those days. I really miss everything.
I may be exaggerating but frankly, i feel like i can cry....
The feelings would drift away as time passes by. But for now, i can't get over it so hope u'll bear with my incessant whinning.
I miss everything.
Music : Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Hoobastank, Parousia, Bond, Maksim, LOTR soundtracks
I don't have anything set in stone that I can say about myself. My personality is one of the most complex, confusing, flexible, unpredictable things that I know of. People may disagree with me (naturally), but I don't think I really have a set personality with a set number of characteristics.
Basically what it all boils down to is that everybody sees everybody else in a different light. I might come off as an inconsiderate biatch to you, but to others I'm one of the most compassionate people they've ever met.
Look into my soul and see the depths of despair, experience the deepest love, caring, joy and happiness. Interpret my life, because each piece represents the sum total of my being. Few know me. My thoughts My desires My dreams My joys My pains My loves
In my thoughts i can cry, while on the outside, I remain in control. Here, I strip away the pretense of life and let go of my emotions, my desires, my fears…I allow myself to touch my soul, my heart, my being.
In my pages I will share with you my deepest and darkest thoughts, so if you are afraid to delve into the deepest recesses of my mind, then I suggest you head for the exit. Among my pages I will lay bare my soul. I hold back nothing.
I have an irristable desire to be irristably desired. My self-worth is based on Gawd's love...